Shredding for the wedding start date: 14th May 2017
Let me start by addressing your sighs; I know I am not overweight. But who doesn’t envision themselves sitting pool side at a Parador in Spain sipping Sangria surrounded by vineyards, Spaniards, sunshine, and food, with a firm bottom that doesn’t explode out of their bikini like a visual assault to the eyes, but rather perches like a sturdy peach being hugged by their bikini bottom fabric?
A bikini that I was given as an engagement gift from my friend who owns a swimwear company in Brazil called Aurai, plays a tiny role in my choice to shred for my wed. In all of their beautiful Brazilian inspired buttery smooth fabric, the bottoms were rejected by my extremely non-Brazilian, British, burger loving behind. So, I decided to use this as my goal post. I would like my behind to look like it’s chosen to be in the bottoms, and not kidnapped and trying to escape.
You can buy this gorgeous set here from Aurai Swimwear
I strongly believe that with this exciting test on my willpower, which I have never pushed myself to test before, I can but try and reach this near-on unobtainable image I see of myself in this bikini when I close my eyes. So for a questionable $30.50 per week, I have started this magical transformation and joined the gym.
I also decided to invest in a trainer at this gym. I needed someone who looked like he has self-control and a ‘I make miracles happen’ attitude, and I found him! He so far doesn’t seem like the sort of man to fall for my sobs as I sit their looking at him desperately for mercy as my fat transforms into a six-pack, and I transform into a goddess.
He suggested that I take RPM, Bodypump, and GRIT classes weekly before we begin our training plan (this starts tomorrow). So I have been doing this for 2 weeks now; Mondays Bodypump; Wednesdays RPM; Thursdays Bodypump; weekend running. Smashing it out.
I found RPM so hard the first time that my legs almost gave way when I hopped off the bike. In my painful haste, I grabbed the closest seat next to me to stop myself from doing a Bridget Jones and collapsing to the floor. Unfortunately, this seat belonged to a man who had just left, and as I grabbed it my hand slipped. That’s right, my hand slipped on this strangers ball sweat. I thought this must be a sign to admit defeat and never return.
I have also had my eyes opened to a different kind of sex face. Not the sex face you have when having sex with someone else, but the sex face it appears some men have when watching themselves pump iron. Maybe pumping iron releases testosterone that makes men squint at themselves with their sex eyes because they’re finding their muscular reflection so irresistible? I’m not judging, though, I find this wonderfully entertaining. I have to stand for 20 minutes in a queue to make sure I get a spot in the 150 person capacity class to satisfy my own vanity, but at least I can entertain myself by watching out for these sex faces.
My willpower has been tested so much so that I actually said “no thank you” when Dave bought in a Dairy Milk Oreo bar to work. Never in my life has my will power been as tested as it was that day. I couldn’t concentrate. I am an abstainer. It’s all or nothing. There’s is no point having a square, because it will have to be a minimum of the entire bar. All I could see for the rest of the afternoon was Oreo.
I even asked for the infamous Portland burger that I ate at our book club on Thursday to come without the bun and chips. I ate a burger on lettuce #COMMITMENT. But then I had a cheese platter and bacon and egg bap yesterday which just fell into my mouth. I have allowed for one relapse and that was it. I also thought vodka and water was a healthy alternative to red wine. This is not true so I will simply have to abstain from all alcohol to see real results. I see fun times ahead. I can only apologise to my friends in advance for saying no to your offers of wine. I hope you will still be my friend when I have transformed into a goddess in 6 weeks time.
It’s now May 28th and I weigh 67kgs. I weigh 1kg more than I did 2 weeks ago when I started! I know what you’re thinking – cut out the vodka and the cheese platters and you might see some results. I hear you and this has been noted.
I’ll report back next week where I’ll probably weigh 68kgs.