As I walked along Lorne Street to my new found favourite café, I observed the shocked and awkward face of a man who I noticed staring, unavoidably so, at a couple who were confidently unafraid of getting off with each other in public. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t use such a phrase as ‘getting off’, but that is literally what they were doing. Ew to licking other peoples lips like an ice-cream and shoving your tongue indiscreetly, unromantically into another’s mouth. Grose. I don’t mind the alternative – secretly putting one’s tongue inside the other’s mouth so THE REST OF THE PUBLIC CAN’T SEE IT.
I am positive that the man who I observed was observing me with equal intrigue. He probably saw the awkwardness in my eyes after accidentally spotting the two honeymooners in my beeline with tongues protruding out of their cheeks like flesh eating bugs. My eyes must have darted towards the top of buildings, into café windows, down to the detail of the curb before I exhaled and realised that I had finally passed them in their excited, heavy-breathing state.
I might have the answer to the real issue at hand, however. The issue probably isn’t, although it could be, the couples who are just too excited and have to share their love for one another with everyone. I couldn’t put my answer into words better than Stevie can from the hilarious BBC sitcom, Miranda. Miranda always says ‘sex’ as though she has a banana in her mouth and toothpaste up her nose while shrivelling up from embarrassment. Stevie’s response is, “ooh, you’re just very British aren’t you”. It could be true. Some Brits are perhaps a bit prude, and ‘a bit’ is probably the understatement of the year. Yet the other chap faced with this awkwardness was likely to be a kiwi, or any other race for that matter. So I don’t think it is just the British. Either way, it was A.W.K.W.A.R.D.